When was the last time you felt truly listened to?

However recent or long ago, you’re probably bringing to mind a positive and warm feeling about the listener. That’s how people feel about you when you listen to them. So whilst it’s nice to receive, giving is very satisfying. If you’re holidaying this month, now is a perfect opportunity to strengthen your relationships with friends, partners and children by practising being all ears.

On average we spend 70% of our waking hours in communication and 40% of that is in listening (35% talking, 16% reading and 9% writing). But how often do you hear your best mate, manager, husband, mother or child’s chatter and not have a clue what they’ve just said?

Most people think they know how to listen, just like they know how to breathe. But like breathing, listening skills can vary in quality. Active listening is more than hearing the words people say; it’s about being focussed on making sense of those words and understanding what the other person is thinking and feeling. And that can be as much about what’s not being said as well as what is.

If you want to improve an important relationship, here’s how you might get started the next time they want to talk face to face:

1) Put everything else to one side. If it’s safe to stop what you’re doing then stop. That means putting your thoughts to one side as well. A tip is to say to yourself “I can come back to this in a moment.”

2) Be with them. Sit at the table, stand next to the coffee machine or lay on the living room floor with them. Deliberate movement to be closer to the speaker communicates your intention to listen and helps you make the mental shift from what you were doing to what you’re about to do.

3) Have eye contact. In most situations communication works better if you have eye contact so be facing or at an angle rather than side by side. (When talking about something embarrassing or distressing both speaker and listener may be more comfortable without eye contact).

4) Adopt their body language. Synchronised body language (arms and legs crossed/uncrossed, eye blink rate, hand gestures, movement, posture etc) communicates interest and approval. It also helps you to get on the same wavelength and see things from their point of view.

5) Keep focussed on their words. Focus on the words the speaker says and how what they’re saying fits together. Avoid evaluating what they’re saying (“I wouldn’t have done that…”) in relation to your own experience as you’re likely to miss something and possibly make wrong assumptions. If you’re unsure what they mean, ask.

6) When you don’t have the time or inclination to listen it’s often better to be direct and say so. The sensitive way to do this is to offer some time later when you will be all ears. Thinking you’re doing the right thing by pretending to listen might do more harm than good. I’ve never had to do it yet, but the promise remains to my clients in our coaching agreements, that I will reschedule any appointment where I am unable to listen effectively.

And for anyone who wants to make a great impression with someone new, remember that people feel better about themselves when talking and being listened to, than the other way around. So focus on being interested (listening) rather than being interesting (talking) and you’ll win friends, respect and need never worry about what to say at a party ever again.

Jessica Chivers is The Thinking Woman’s Coach, coaching
professional women to achieve what’s important to them.
See www.beyoubutbetter.co.uk, Tel: 01727 856169.